Tuesday, November 4, 2014


The elevator doors shut as Laura squeezed her legs together.  
“If only that client hadn't called at exactly 4:58 and kept me on the phone for 10 minutes. I still should make the 5:30 train if I hustle to Grand Central. Damn, I should have gone to the bathroom before I left,” she thought as she paced in the small enclosed area.
The elevator stopped on the sixth floor and a middle aged woman dressed in a business suit hurried in with a tissue glued to her nose. She sniffled and coughed.  
“Great, now I will get sick,” thought Laura as she held her breath to avoid flying germs.
Laura’s eye twitched and her stomach hurt.  She had a ton of errands to do at home and didn’t want to miss her train. She knew the next one was a twenty minute wait.  
A young woman with dark circles under her eyes burst in next,  with a screaming two year old boy. His screams were deafening. Laura felt the beginning of a massive headache.
The woman with the tissue sneezed loudly.  Laura could swear the sneeze shook the elevator.
On the fourth floor, a handsome man in his mid thirties entered with a thin snobby looking woman with platinum blonde hair. She looked vaguely familiar .The woman crossed her arms  and their body language made Laura feel they were embroiled in a fight.
A sloppy looking man dressed in jeans a size too big and a dirty sweatshirt entered on the third floor with a big dog that looked like a Doberman. Laura tried not to make eye contact since she was deathly afraid of dogs.
All of a sudden the elevator stopped and the lights flickered.  
The woman with the tissue let out a massive sneeze just as the kid started crying.
Laura’s bladder was on the verge of bursting. “This is a nightmare. I don’t even care if I make the train at this point but I am going to pee in my pants soon,” she thought as she looked at her watch, “5:15. This elevator better start moving soon. “
The dog barked as the woman with the crying kid pushed the emergency button.
“What is going on?” cried the sneezing woman as she let out a wallop of a sneeze.
The little kid shrieked.
The snobby woman said to her boyfriend in a shrill voice, “ This sucks. I told you we should have left earlier. This is all your fault, you never listen to me.”
“I’m sure the elevator will be running soon,” he replied back to his girlfriend as he made eye contact with Laura who smiled. A nice whiff of his aftershave temporarily relaxed Laura. His girlfriend glared at her with piercing green eyes.
“ I think I’m going to throw up,” screamed the little kid as the dog growled.
Panicked looks spread across everyone’s faces.
An abdominal pain struck and  Laura thought not only was she going to pee in her pants but probably expel gas. This couldn’t get any worse. Plus the dog was staring at her and licking his lips.
“Your name is Laura, isn’t it?” asked the snobby woman.
“Yes,” Laura said hesitantly.
“You don’t remember me , do you? I’m Melissa Gaston. We went to high school together”. Her voice was tight.
“Your name sounds familiar, I just can’t recall?”
“We didn’t actually follow in the same circles,” she snapped.
Laura wondered why the woman was so angry and wished she had some recollection of who she was.
Suddenly the little kid vomited on Melissa’s shoe. She shrieked, “ You little twit!” as the kids mother frantically tried to clean it up with a tissue , apologizing  profusely.
Laura experienced deja vu as the memory engulfed her brain.  Laura  attended a cast party after a show she was in her senior year. She had become best friends with Nick, one of her actor friends. She had a huge crush on him but knew he had a girlfriend. They had a few drinks at a house party when he kissed her. She couldn’t help herself and she kissed him back. She remembered his moist lips, the feel of his tongue, and his strong arms hugging her tight. She was in heaven. Until his brunette girlfriend showed up at the party and caught them kissing.  “You little twit!” she had yelled at Nick, as her glasses slipped down her nose.
Eighteen years later,  Laura was stuck in an elevator with the jilted girlfriend who now had blonde hair and contact lenses.
Melissa’s boyfriend said, “ Melissa, get a hold of yourself.”
Then Melissa looked at Laura and said, “ You’re going to steal him too?”
As the mother frantically cleaned up Melissa’s shoe, the kid stopped crying and the woman sneezed explosively. The dog snarled.
Laura hit the button again. She felt the pee escaping and a gas bubble ready to explode. She wasn’t sure which made her more nervous; peeing and farting , or getting attacked by the dog.
It was so pathetic it was almost comical. Laura started to giggle at the same time Melissa’s  boyfriend did. Their eyes met for a moment. Melissa noticed it and screamed, “ If you steal this one too I will kill you!”
Everyone froze .
The sneezing woman spoke. “ I have a doctors appointment, I need to get out of here, why isn’t this moving?”
The mother with the crying kid said,” Brian hasn’t been feeling well all day. I don’t want to be stuck in here!”
“Great, I am stuck in an elevator with massive germs and a man stealer,” muttered Melissa as she clenched her jaw and wrapped her arms around herself.
Laura was holding her legs together so tight when her worst nightmare happened. She farted. Loudly. Everyone stopped and stared. Laura felt her face flame up, and she knew if she peed in her pants her life would be over.
Melissa snickered as the little boy screamed, “Mommy, that lady farted.”
Laura pushed the button again praying she would either be saved by a guardian angel or the elevator floor would give way and she would end up anywhere but here.  Melissa’s boyfriend looked at her sympathetically.
The dog got loose and jumped on Laura. She froze as she imagined getting viciously mauled by this dog, which sounded better than being known as the farting elevator lady .
“Caesar, down!” yelled the owner sounding like he was stoned. The dog happily licked Laura as the owner grabbed him.
“Sorry about that man”, said the owner slurring his words.
“Are you okay?” asked Melissa’s boyfriend as Melissa gave her the evil eye.
The dog distracted everyone making them temporarily forget about her fart. “ I love dogs, I love dogs,” she convinced herself silently.
“I’m Peter, by the way,” he said as he walked over to her.
“I’m Laura, as you know already.”
The lights flickered and the elevator began to move.  
“Mommy we’re moving!” yelled the little boy. Everyone cheered.
When the elevator doors opened, everyone hustled out.
Laura and Peter exited last.
“Where is Melissa?” Laura asked.
“ We had a big fight right before we got on the elevator. We’ve been on rocky ground for the past month. I’m not surprised she didn’t wait for me,” he said with some sadness in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Laura said.
“Its okay. Do you want to grab a cup of coffee?” asked Peter.
Laura looked at her watch and decided her errands could wait.
“Sure, but can I find a bathroom first?”


  1. I loved reading this story! It was so amusing, and I could relate to so many of the details! Great work!